Pandora's box

*Disclaimer: some graphic detail/mood triggers*

Current mood: meh.

This is real progress from feeling so low, I wished I didn't exist.

I don't feel sad or happy. If anything I just feel tired. Not physically- I still run and lift shit.

It's everything else I don't have the energy for. Daily routine is hard at the moment. I've left some things in my car and mustering the energy to get them is difficult. I have chores to do; I've told myself I'll do them tomorrow, but Ive been saying that for weeks.

More than anything, it is wanting to be alone whilst being around people. How is that even possible?

This all started when I decided to change my gym times as I didn't want to interact with some regulars. Not because I don't like them but because it's hard putting on a front and be all smiley and chatty when actually I just want to lift heavy shit/run and bugger off. I have no problem saying hi/bye, it's the small chit chat I can't deal with right now. 

It got to the point I would dread going to the gym as I really didn't want to chat to anyone. I seriously contemplated moving to a different gym.

One lady (who constantly asks about my love life) recently picked up that I'm a bit meh. "Whats the matter love, are you sad because you are single?" Me: "No. I'm just tired I've because I’ve done a lot of hospital shifts lately"

What I'm really thinking "Yes I'm meh- I spent 7 years married to a guy who punched, slapped, kicked me, even when I was on the floor, emotionally abused me "you're going to die alone, no one loves you, even your family don't give a shit about you and you don't have any friends, if you ever leave me no one will ever marry you".

I then went through a year of hell which mostly included bullying from the ex-father in law "if you think I treated you like shit before, watch how I will treat you like shit now and in the future", to "Hadooli is a liar. She hid the fact she had polio (referring to my cerebral palsy) and that she can't have kids (in reference to my personal choice not to have children with someone who finds it acceptable to use violence) from [ex husband] and myself. If I knew this before the marriage I would never have let her marry him" to "Hadooli is a curse on the family".

To being dragged to a joint family mediation when seperated. I had to sit there listening to many insulting things about myself including "if [ex husband] actually hit Hadooli I'm sure he had good reason to". My dad had recently reminded me how the ex husband had said to his face "I can't guarantee that I will never hit Hadooli in the future, it is normal and human to get angry so I can't be held accountable for my actions".

I had actually completely blanked that (and many other incidents) and still can't remember it. It was this statement that finally pushed my dad to accept the divorce.

All this, for what? absolutely nothing.

I also had two bad experiences, which I now look back at and appreciate I was being 'used'. At the time I felt like I was walking on egg shells- afraid that voicing my opinions would push them away -or worse- make them angry. This was mixed with my partial appreciation that they were 'nice' because they hadn't ever hit me in X number of months. I remember looking at one person in awe thinking 'I can't believe he hasn't hit me- there are actually guys who don't hit girls". I now reflect on these experiences in disbelief. I really was naive; I genuinely believed everything I was told. 

After processing this and coming out of the other side I have come to terms with what happened. It's part of my history now and I'm ok with it. The meh-ness is about trying to deal with the consequence of my decisions in a positive way. It is about what my life is now and where it will go. I'm used to meticulously planning my life. Now it feels a bit of a mess. I have no idea what I will do/where I will go.

Doctoring, PhD-ing and working out is using all my brain power. I have little reserve to do anything else. I feel like a duck- all calm above water but paddling like crazy underneath.

Part of this was realising I make things worse, by trying to please others irrespective of how I felt. It got to the point I snapped and decided I was going to do the things that make me happy. This includes saying no to people which is hard. I feel extremely guilty about it, but it is something I have to do. Especially when I feel like the person doesn't really understand what I am going through. Even today, I saw a lady at the gym who had previously ranted to me about her unhappy marriage. I could tell she looked sad today, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't go up to her and ask if she is ok. I just wanted to work out. I felt (and still do feel) guilty about it. It was a very selfish thing to do, but I had to do it.

As always, I reflected on these choices. Particularly, my desire to keep myself to myself. I tried my previous counsellors advice and embraced my feelings.

Sat here, writing this, I've only just acknowledged that actually, I am sad. Not suicidal-depressed-sad  but just a bit down-in-the-dumps-sad

Why though.?

I know why.

I just don't like admitting it.

My life is a mess, I'm a failure and ultimately I have nothing. Whilst I have friends and family who care, they cannot be there for me 24/7 and it would be selfish to expect that. I just have to deal with it myself, and I still don't feel comfortable depending on people, asking for help, or people going out of their way for me.

Being completely honest with myself it is probably why I'm being so obsessed with just trying to focus on PhD, working out and doctor-ing. Again, going back to the whole self validation/feeling control through work and exercise.

However, I do feel happy at work, the gym and the PhD (when productive). So I'm going to continue focusing on what makes me happy.

Having said that I'm still going to change my gym times again. I don't want to feel bad/guilty for just wanting to work out and not chat. Selfish decision again.

I also feel guilty for not being a good enough friend/sister/daughter or being there for others who are struggling but this is all I can just about manage at the moment.

Now that I have acknowledged my thoughts and feelings, what am I going to do about it?

Nothing- I will live with it for now, and try get on with things, and that is fine... 

I totally need some peanut butter.